Medical Condition: Alaskless
Self Diagnosed by: Self Proclaimed Doctor, C. Taylor
Note(s): No pre - existing condition(s) prior to June 1, 2012. Condition currently began rupturing and slowing heart near the date of August 13, 2012.
Symptoms:
1. Patient lacks dietary concern and relies solely on sunflower seeds to sustain nutritional balance. Patient's freezer also solely contains fish of the red, silver, and white descent.
Root: Doctor believes this is due to the feeling of nostalgia it brings since this was the snack of choice while fishing with some of her favorite people.
2. Patient stops to read all community bulletin boards in search of such information, yet has thus far not been found in Seattle, WA: Buying a ferret, camping cliffside to the Cook Inlet, dog mushing opportunities and/or being a Mush Girl, Salmon Fest line - up, etc.
Root: Doctor believes this is due to the patient's summer routine of collecting community information while eating ice cream outside the General Store in Ninilchik, AK.
3. Patient is currently procrastinating on her to do list (something she used to enjoy, especially when she was able to cross things off), and is instead, researching all fishing charter opportunities in Seattle, WA. Patient is also walking around Seattle looking for her missing sisters.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient has been separated from the Kenai River for too many days and is experiencing a memory loss in terms of how to live her days apart from what the tides determine.
4. Patient has collected somewhat irrelevant facts, such as it would take her 50 hours, 2,052 miles to drive to Ninilchik, AK, from Seattle, WA. The patient is currently looking into obtaining her pilot's license.
Root: Doctor believes patient is starting to lose her sense of reality and fears a impulse decision on the horizon.
5. Patient is no longer attracted to pretty jewelry. Patient is also posting "Missing Puppy" signs for her "claimed," two lost dogs.
Root: Doctor believes this is due to seeing so much jewelry made out of moose poop in Alaska.
6. Patient no longer desires to hike.
Root: Doctor believes this is due to solely wanting to be naker's on the glacier's or riding Orca's with her comrades.
7. Patient has neglected to change her clocks back to Pacific Standard Time and continues to "Eat when hungry, sleep when tired, and fish when the fish are running."
Root: Doctor believes that the patient is in denial about being in the lower 48.
8. Patient has consumed more sandwiches for breakfast, than actual breakfast food. Though, the patient is grocery shopping as though she were feeding a house of twenty.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient is holding on to this Alaskan fishing tendency, when the patient would go fishing at 4:30A.M. and/or when the patient would grocery shop for the lodge guests.
9. Patient has bumped into 7 curbs and 4 sidewalks since being home.
Root: Doctor believes this is due to the patient's open road driving experiences and infrequent need of looking at the road in Alaska. Doctor worries about the danger of any and all pedestrians in Seattle, WA.
10. Patient has used the following phrase far too often and in situations where it is completely irrelevant: "Proper prep prevents piss poor performance."
Root: Doctor believes that this term was used in Alaska when preparing for a fishing trip. Doctor also believes that this phrase carries significant meaning for the patient, following an event that took place between the "improper" prep that occurred between the patient and her comrade Joy. Think Fly rod with a regular reel.
11. Patient finds the tap and shower water to be far too smooth and clean.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient has consumed too much iron from the water in Alaska.
12. Patient finds herself to be of the tourist association here in Seattle, WA. Patient also finds it strange to see brown bears in the zoo.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient sees herself no longer as a tourist in Ninilchik, AK, thus feels as though she is a tourist everywhere else. Doctor also believes that the patient is not accustomed to seeing animals that are not roaming wild and free.
13. Patient walks into automatic sliding glass doors.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient has lost familiarity with clear and closed doors.
14. Patient has walked down the stairs and outside on more than a few occasions, as if walking across the river to the cabin.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient has established new habits from the summer that have yet to be adjusted.
15. Patient only responds to music that is symbolic of her time on the country roads of Alaska. Patient also only dances if it's in the bed of a truck, in the kitchen, or on the deck.
Root: Doctor is still unable to identify the root of this symptom as the patient's response each and every time varies. There are tears, there is laughter, there is dancing, there is video making, and then a fury of texts messages follow between the patient and all those that were with her in Alaska.
16. Patient has varying levels of guilt as she still cannot hold a conversation without telling a story from Alaska. She has also inadvertently called people by their incorrect names (I.e. Tonka, Joy, Json, Taylor, Captain, Jake, Isaac, Holly, Ian, etc.). Patient has also tapped on 8 shoulders of strangers that have been mistaken for lodge guests (i.e. Rick, Sue, Carla, Josh, Janet, Ruben, etc.).
Root: Doctor believes that the patient has been brain washed due to the piece of art hanging in the Alaskan Lodge that says, "What happens at Fish Camp gets told over and over again." Doctor hopes that all of the patient's family and friends will forgive her in the meantime. The patient really does care about what's going on in the lives of her family and friends.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient has seen and experienced the reality of these statements via the majestic beauty of where she lived this summer.
18. Patient has devised a Christmas list with the following (thus far): Salmon Smoker, Fly Rod, Custom Made Filet Knives, Waders.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient has found her new favorite hobby and is also consciously preparing for next summer, when she plans to return to Alaska.
19. Patient has become fearless at the sight of a man with an ax in his hand, even in the darkest time of night. This vision in her mind has also led her to look for firewood outside, only to remember she has a gas fireplace.
Root: Doctor believes this is due to the patient's experience crawling across the Ninilchik River Bridge in the middle of the night with her comrade, posed as bears, in order to play a practical joke on two guys who almost attacked them. The two guys were smoking salmon and were heels up around the fire. Doctor has concluded that the patient enjoyed the time, smell, and blaze around a real fire with wood, thus her eye is acute to looking for sticks, dry shrubs, and logs.
20. Patient is writing strange blog posts in first person and third person and as patient and as doctor.
Root: Doctor believes that the patient is having a hard time transitioning. Doctor encouraged patient to begin to outline thoughts as they arose and slowly but surely, the patient would begin to find a normal stride in life back in Seattle. Doctor will encourage patient to write an adequate summary and/or "last chapter" of life in Alaska as soon as she regains/redirects some of her strength. Patient will also be instructed to build an appropriate photo album of her summer for therapeutic reasons.
Now to determine the appropriate cure - as the patient is a bit racked up.
