I didn't see that one coming.

W O R T H. How much is it worth?  Is it worth it?  Will it be worth it?  How many would make it worth it?  What am I worth?  Why am I not worth it to him?  Why am I not worth it to her?  What defines my worth?  Who defines my worth?  Are my deeds worthy enough?  Is my beauty worthy to be pursued?  Is my job and finances hold value and worth?  Am I worthy?  Will I ever be worthy?

Questions and thoughts and insecurities involving the word W O R T H seem to infiltrate our lives.  Sometimes we even allow them to define us.  Or we make decisions around what we believe will induce our very worthiness.   Perhaps we give others in our lives permission to grant us our worth.  It's as though we believe our worth is earned by some measure.

As my Pastor began to teach from Luke 15 about the Parable of the Prodigal Son, I couldn't help but (humbly) suppress the thought, "I've heard this story a hundred times."  Can I just say that I should know better?  And by this I mean, it is a sure fit given anytime I am presumptuous and think I know something, that God is moments away from dropping the hammer.  On my head.  This was no exception.  And this time, the hammer not only dropped on my head.  But my heart.  And my shoulders.  And my calf.  

Did you know that Prodigal means wasteful?  I didn't.  Keep this in mind for a moment.  

In this parable, a group of religious people are criticizing Jesus because He, a just God, was a friend of/and hanging out with bad people, unjust people.  How or why would a perfect and holy God befriend, love, and care for not just the single mom's who had been slighted by their ex husbands, but drug lord's and pimps, people hurting little kids?  Sometimes we think Jesus simply befriends the lowly who have been beaten down (which He does), but he was also involving himself with the people who had beaten down themselves of their own making, on accord of their own decisions.  He was hanging out with the people who enjoy being bad, people who enjoy hurting others.

The religious people just set Jesus up to deliver a bank answer.  Get ready for a cha ching, dust your shoulders off moment.

Sheep Gone AWOL: Luke 15: 3 - 7

True or False: 99 is a greater sum than 1. 

True or False: It can be (easily) argued that any shepherd who leaves 99 sheep in search of 1 could very well be the worst shepherd ever.  (I mean really, who is watching the flock of 99?)  And to then party once that O N E sheep is found?

True or False: God would leave the greater sub value of 99 sheep in search of just 1.  

True or False: Being the 1 sounds better than being among the 99.

True or False: You just didn't see that coming.

Coin Gone MIA: Luke 15: 8 - 10

True or False: 9 coins are a greater sum than 1.

True or False: It can be (easily) argued that an individual has lost their mind if they risk losing 9 coins by trashing their entire house looking for just 1 coin.  And to then party once that O N E coin is found?

True or False: God would leave the greater sub value of 9 coins in search of just 1.

True or False: Being the 1 sounds better than being among the 9.

True or False: You just didn't see that coming.

Hasta La Vista Sonny Boy: Luke 15: 11 - 32

True or False: Saving money, working hard, and obedience are greater than wasteful spending on prostitution and wild living, and disobedience.

True or False: It can be (easily) argued that a father who throws a celebratory party for his son that has  pissed away all of his money and has been living with prostitutes must be slightly disillusioned.  (And to not deliver a wooden spoon to the rear or acknowledge the son's apology of unworthiness).

True or False: God would choose to celebrate the Prodigal (wasteful) son.

True or False: Being the Prodigal son sounds better than not.

True or False: You just didn't see that coming.

Three completely different things, and yet three completely parallel reactions.

Search.  Find.  Recover.  Celebrate.

When it comes to people, God just never hedges His bets and plays it safe.  

He conveys over and over and over and over again, "You are of infinite value and W O R T H to Me."  His fight is a fight to win the furthest heart.  There is nothing we can do to gain or earn or be enough for His affections, for His grace.  Our worth was given to us before we were born.  It is a gift.  And the moment we attempt to pay anyone back, it is no longer a gift.

All that's left to say is this.

God is i l l o g i c a l.

His love is i l l o g i c a l.

Joy for nothing in general, except everything in particular.

One of the best kinds of joy - the one that comes gifted in the form of a new kindred spirit kind of friendship.  A blessing that I found myself undoubtedly overwhelmed by this year.  I spotted her across the room of a most frequented (and favorite) coffee shop and knew I just had to meet her.  And I did.  Hours passed.  It was soon discovered: Before we came into each other's lives, we missed each other so bad.  (Carly Rae Jepsen communicates this clearly through her number one hit song, "Call Me Maybe").

Please note: This may in fact be one of our songs and we do have plans of making a music video together.  Please stay tuned for such a debut.

To top it off, we discovered that we were also in fact, neighbors.  She was officially the girl next door.

Since our meet cute, we've been those inseparable friends that like the days of growing up and playing with"neighborhood kids," we get to walk over, walk in, walk together, eat together, stay over super late, leave flowers and goodies on the door step, and door bell ditch.  Plus so much more that our future together will (God - willing) hold.

She is a gem.  She is gracious and beyond thoughtful.  A three part novel would likely be too short to describe her outstanding uniqueness.  And in an effort to keep my mascara on tonight (as we have our first group of campers arriving shortly), I will simply share one example of the many ways her delightful spirit and generous heart has brought me joy.

The night before I left for my summer here in Alaska, I received what has most definitely been selected for an award as one of the best cards I have ever received.  In addition, she gave me a special book called, "Guerrillas of Grace" that she carried with her during all of her travels abroad.  (Many of you know that there is no existence of a single word to describe the depth of sentimental qualities and enjoyment I have).

So as I spent a morning picking wildflowers (as photos illustrate below), I came across this prayer in "Guerillas of Grace."  A true reflection of the joy that I am thankful for through such friends as Madeline and the joy found through the simplicity of such things as picking wildflowers in a wide open field.  

"Extravagant God, waken in me a sense of joy, in just being alive, joy for nothing in general except everything in particular; joy in sun and rain, joy in soft light, through shyly disrobing trees, joy in the acolyte moon, joy in the beating of a thousand wings, mysteriously knowing which way is warm; joy in wagging tails and kids' smiles, joy in the taste of bread and wine, the smell of dawn, a touch, a song, a presence; joy in having what I cannot live without - other people to hold and cry and laugh with; joy in love, in you; and that all at first and last is grace."

All is well with my soul.  Ps. I love you Maddie. :)

Fashion Gone Fishing.

It’s true.  I have decided to trade a summer of wedges for a summer of waders.  On June 7th, with a one way ticket, I will be flying on an Alaska airline flight, taking full advantage of the original destination of this particular airline, and actually landing in Anchorage, Alaska.  Approximately 186 miles south of Anchorage and a puddle jumper away, is the Ninilchik Riverfront Lodge.  This is where you will find me slinging halibut, splitting salmon, and guarding against grizzlies.  Okay, I may have watched one too many episodes of The Deadliest Catch but I figured it was only appropriate given my summer whereabouts.

But really.  

June 7th is the day that one of my best friend’s Tamica (photo above from our road trip to the Tetons), and I set off to Ninilchik, Alaska for the summer.  Being in a season of life with time and resources to share, we were made aware of a number of volunteer needs a particular fishing camp had.  Following weeks of prayer,  conversation, and many God winks, it became rather evident that God was asking both of us (despite feeling rather un - qualified), to go.

It’s not rescuing girls from sex trafficking in Thailand, nor building water wells in Kenya, and it’s even wildly surprising considering that Tamica and I met in Los Angeles and have a background in the fashion industry, but it’s the Kingdom work that we believe God is beckoning us to join Him in right now.  The reminder that He calls the un - qualified.  That He relishes in willing hearts that choose to say yes even when the calling appears to be most radical (or radically strange)! (But I will share more of Tamica and I’s story in a blog post to come).

In addition to delighting the taste buds and experience of all the campers and volunteers through extraordinary food service and hospitality, we will be developing and hosting a weekly women’s Bible study for both those attending the camp and those a part of the local community.  We will be responsible for sharing the stories of the camp by writing, photographing, and overseeing the camp’s blog throughout the summer.

But even despite outlining the details of our volunteer responsibilities, God always seems to have a few more things up His sleeve.  The ones that come unannounced.  This being noted, Tamica and I have joyfully resolved to live solely by the leading of the Holy Spirit, and very much look forward to building relationships, serving, encouraging, and pouring out His love in everything we put our hands to.  And yes, this may include the wrangling of a Nemo weighing 120+ pounds (okay, well Nemo isn’t really a halibut, but you’re following). ;)

We know that we will most likely get eaten alive by mosquitoes.  We know that we may come back and intimidate some men with our newly developed ability to chop wood and gut fish - thus actually probably lessening our chances of finding a husband.  We know that we run the risk of looking like two blondes (no offense) on multiple occasions.  We know that we may try to make friends and take pictures with the moose before learning that they charge you like a car racing down the highway and are responsible for more deaths than the grizzlies (but honestly, we handled the bison in the Tetons, so really, what's there to fear?).  We know that we may go stir crazy and spend hours carving our names in the bark of the trees (let us know if you would like us to carve your name as well).  We know that when the sky lights up, it’s not a UFO flashing its high beams at us, but rather is the Northern Lights. 

But.  We also know this from Isaiah 55:8.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."  

And we know that for this summer, it means Alaska.

Whelp, there’s only one thing left to do (besides attempt to challenge this learning curve before us) - Bering Sea fishing licenses, here we come! :)

3 P.S’s.

1. We are taking all suggestions and bucket list requests.  A) If there is something you have always wanted to do or see in Alaska, but are not quite sure if you will get the opportunity, we would be happy to attempt/photograph/film it for you. B) Or, if there is something you have already done and seen in Alaska and think we should do the same, we would love to know!

2. With the lack of consistent internet and phone, we welcome, beckon, and encourage you to join us in the act of pen - paling and care packaging.  It would fill us with immense glee should we so happen to hear from our community back home.

For ease and assurance of delivery, you can send packages via UPS or FedEx to the following address:

Knepper’s Alaska Fish Camp
16560 Brody Street
Ninilchik, AK 99639

For love notes and letters, you can send them to the following address:

Knepper’s Alaska Fish Camp
℅ Chelsey Taylor and/or Tamica Sloan
PO Box 39556
Ninilchik, AK 99639

3. Finally, we ask you to rally around us with prayer.  Prayer for our time in Alaska - that it is fruitful and spirit led.  Safety is also important (especially to our mothers).  Which, please also be praying for them as we can only imagine what they really think about their two daughters moving to Alaska for the summer. ;)

Catalyst

On Friday, I went to a city - wide prayer and worship night for young professionals, called Catalyst.  To see a downtown warehouse full of abandoned hearts for Christ, was slightly overwhelming (in the best possible way).  I'm not going to pretend that it's not sometimes easier for my heart to call So Cal home, but I'm also not going to pretend that standing in that warehouse didn't immediately serve as a reminder to me that Seattle is currently where I am.  And though the gift of being "present" has been void of my life at times, I'm thankful that the worst of me is succeeded by the best of God.  The evening closed with the reading of 1 Corinthians 13 from The Message version.  I had never heard it before but listened with new ears this time around - and for the sake of documenting it, you now also have the opportunity to read it as well.  (Wink, wink). 


¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. 

   Love never gives up. 
   Love cares more for others than for self. 
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. 
   Love doesn't strut, 
   Doesn't have a swelled head, 
   Doesn't force itself on others, 
   Isn't always "me first," 
   Doesn't fly off the handle, 
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, 
   Doesn't revel when others grovel, 
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 
   Puts up with anything, 
   Trusts God always, 
   Always looks for the best, 
   Never looks back, 
   But keeps going to the end.

 ^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

 ¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

 ¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

 ¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Seeing the Shore

I recently read a story out of Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven.

In 1952, young Florence Chadwick stepped into the waters of the Pacific Ocean off Catalina Island, determined to swim to the shore of mainland California.  She'd already been the first woman to swim the English Channel both ways.  The weather was foggy and chilly; she could hardly see the boats accompanying her.  Still, she swam for fifteen hours.  When she begged to be taken out of the water along the way, her mother, in a boat alongside her, told her she was close and that she could make it.  Finally, physically and emotionally exhausted, she stopped swimming and was pulled out.  It wasn't until she was on the boat that she discovered the shore was less than a half a mile away.  At a news conference the next day she said, "All I could see was the fog.  I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it."


"All I could see was the fog.  I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it."

My mind immediately trotted off to Scripture found in Habakkuk 2:1 - 4.

"I will climb up into my watchtower now and wait to see what the Lord will say to me and how he will answer my complaint.  Then the Lord said to me, 'Write my answer in large, clear letters on a tablet so that a runner can read it and tell everyone else.  But these things I plan won't happen right away.  Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.  If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.  It will not be delayed.'"

Sometimes we can physically climb up into a watchtower, above our circumstances.  Sometimes it's a matter of trusting the One who is guiding us, that the shore is near,  because let's be honest, we don't always have the luxury of seeing the shore.

My favorite part of the story of Habakkuk is that it was only four verses in (or better yet, only four complaints in) that God stopped Habakkuk in verse 5 and said, "Watch and be astounded at what I will do!  For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it."

There's a lot of fog in my life.  A lot of fog in the lives around me.  But as Spring begins to join us, I am reminded that "there is a season for everything."  And the fog will clear.

It's what's recommended.

I love stumbling across thoughtful reads or interesting videos and for the longest time, have copy and pasted my favorite links into a blank email and stored them in my drafts folder.  But being that Mr. Blogger exists (and can be used for organizational purposes), in addition to the fact that there are probably others that will most likely enjoy some of the same things - or who knows, maybe the trail of watching one video will lead you to something even better, I am going to store some of those fav's here on the blog.  It will also give you a break from reading all of my choppy sentences from time to time. ;)

So for today, I recommend this article from my favorite magazine, Relevant.  I've been so distracted with the mountain moving in my life that I haven't really spent any time writing about the gushy (but favorite) topics of love and relationships.  I'm sure that will come in due time, but until then, I'll start with this.

And because community has been such a theme of my life lately, I have really enjoyed watching the quick (about a minute and a half) clips on Fellowship, presented by Francis Chan.


BASIC.Fellowship Clip 01 from Flannel Staff on Vimeo.


BASIC.Fellowship Clip 02 from Flannel Staff on Vimeo.


BASIC.Fellowship Clip 03 from Flannel Staff on Vimeo.


BASIC.Fellowship Clip 04 from Flannel Staff on Vimeo.

Last one for tonight.  Whether or not you are part of Young Life, Francis Chan delivers another humble and thought provoking message.  Enjoy.  :)


Francis Chan at the 2012 YL Celebration from Young Life on Vimeo.

Too good to be true.

Do you ever have those days where you are just thinking, "This is too good to be true."  That's been this past week or so for me.  And almost immediately following that thought, I think, "Something bad has got to happen.  It just can't be.  This isn't real."  Until today.  When I read the second half of my devotional.

And just in case anyone else needed the same reminder, there you have it. :)

I prefer the bottom, thanks.

Is it just me or does anyone else ever feel like there are times in your life when you turn right, left, around, and then around again times ten, only to continue seeing the same themes surface?  It’s as obvious as seeing a blue apple everywhere you go and in everything you cast your eyes on. 

I was given the immense privilege of seeing the performance of “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S Lewis at the Paramount last night.  To say it was legitimately life changing would sound dramatic, so I just won't say it.  And I suppose I really won't know if it's indeed "life changing" until later down the road when I've actually had the time to take what was heard and learned and use it to make decisions different from those I would have made prior to the show. 

On paper and considering all things, my current position of life is definitely that of being in a trough.  Or as one of my previous blog posts allured to, at the bottom of the mountain.  And though there are a million and one things I want to say about last night's performance, I shall spare you and speak to just this one, for now. ;)  (But don't be fooled, I am reading the book for a second time and don't know if I will be able to resist sharing more down the road).

For those of you who haven't read the book, head to the bookstore now.  The two main characters in the story, Screwtape (the Uncle and assistant to "Our Father Below") and his nephew Wormwood (a novice demon) portray human life from the vantage point of the enemy, as they set out to secure the damnation of a young man's soul (you and I). 

About midway through the story, Screwtape sends a letter to Wormwood discussing how he must use the ups and downs of his patient's (the young man) life to yield his soul further and further from the Enemy (God). 

"To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite.  Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else."

It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He (God) wants it to be.  Hence, the praying offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best.

He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles.  Do not be deceived, Wormwood.  Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round the universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

Wow.  I don't even think commentary is needed. 

Though I believe that my current life situation is seemingly more reflective of that in a trough than that on a peak, it's looking like I may have the better end of the deal anyway. 

This was further evidenced in church today when my Pastor ever so coincidentally spoke on Psalm 62 and the ever changing blend of abundance and suffering in our lives.  There are storms, but never storms without shelter.  Now, there may be a gap between when I think the storm should end and when it actually does, but it's precisely that gap (waiting) that brings the greatest intimacy with Christ. 

As I learn to discern and pluck out the voices of the Screwtapes and Wormwoods, I am thankful that God has currently seen me fit for a trough (or storm), as I am coming to find, understand, and some days simply choose this intimacy, as the greatest gift of all. 

So as I stood on the bluffs this afternoon, and though overlooking an breathtaking view of the Puget Sound, every ounce of me was anxiously ready to start descending down the trail to the beach.  For it was down there that I was able to pick up the shells, hunt for crabs, push on the clam holes and watch them spout up another ten feet away, and find shelter in the actual drift wood (I find God humorous).  And though I didn't know how long it would take us to ascend back up to the top of the bluff (or if my body was going to hate me at the end), I wouldn't have traded a single moment at the bottom.

"The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn." ~ Martin Luther

"The devil, the prowde spirit, cannot endure to be mocked." ~ Sir Thomas More

Mountain Moving.

The scope, magnitude, and majesty of mountains have always made the hairs on my arms stand up.  And I guarantee that even if my arms were completely waxed, the presence of moutains would still have a way of sprouting new hairs and making them stand up too.  The same is true of oceans.  I think it has something to do with being near and sitting before something so much larger than me.  I am but a mere ounce of plankton to the sea and a small piece of rock to the mountain (or maybe even just a pine needle if we are talking about the mountains in the Pacific Northwest).  Yet, despite how insignificant or small I feel to both of these things, they seem to be the place I run to when everything around me seems to get too big.  Maybe it's just my way of saying to the things around me getting seemingly larger, "There are still things physically larger than you."

I remember when I first moved to California, finding myself at the beach at 4AM, through tears, asking myself over and over again, "What am I doing?"  At that time, I had never felt so lost, had left my family, and everything that I had considered and deemed as stability in my life.  A wrestling match with God began and I was insistently not going to relent.  I demanded that God speak to me.  Demanded that he make just one dolphin jump in the crest of the waves.  After about two hours, a question surfaced in the forefront of my mind, "Would you still trust me even if I didn't say anything else to you, nor make a dolphin jump in the crest of the waves?"

It was one of those times where you can't figure out if that was your voice thinking of that question or if your conscience was just kicking in, or if you were starting to go delirious from the energy and exhaustion being consumed by your tears, or, or, or, or if that was really the Holy Spirit speaking to you.  Well, yes it's highly likely that I was delirious, but I can most confidently say that I would never ask myself that question especially in such a emotionally infused mindset.  And so the question just continued to repeat itself in my head.  It took every ounce and fabrication of my being to blurt out, "Yes!" 

It was another hour before I regained composure and as I confidently stood with a peaceful heart, I noticed about 7 dolphins riding the crests of the waves.  "You have got to be freaking kidding me!"  (I'm pretty sure that my voice was equivalent to that of a rooster wake - up call on a farm, but instead to all of Redondo Beach).  And I heard that same voice whisper, "Abundance."  So you can pretty much guess that despite thinking I was all out of tears at that point, the evaporation of the ocean had somehow found its way into my eyes, allowing me to create rivers all over again. 

I remember thinking, "My God knows me.  He sees me." 

Fast forward to this past November, when some life news sent me and a best friend (who had already been in town visiting - even more evidence that God was so ahead of me in planning) fleeing to the mountains.  I remember standing there in the midst of so much confusion thinking, "My God can move these suckers if He wants to!  And not just these suckers, but everything in my life that is trying to masquerade itself as an immovable mountain." 

This week, I've been reminded on more than one occasion (in addition to trying to remind myself), that though I stand before, and at the bottom of an entire range of mountains right now, my smallness keeps Him big.  My need for Him keeps Him as the Provider.

And I was perusing through the photos from that weekend at the bottom of the mountains, despite feeling as though we were being smashed and broken under the mountains, joy was still in abundance.  So it's just got to be possible, that the same can be true today, of this week, and every other week throughout the rest of my life when the very mountains that I flee to are the same mountains that crowd my life. 

Dotting the landscape.

I was sitting in a small Italian owned coffee shop in downtown Seattle with my dad this morning, just chit chatting about the trajectory of life and the punch these past few weeks have packed for me.  In conversation, I was reminded of a story that was shared during the Justice Conference about a church in need of $250,000 by Monday.  It was Friday.  With a ten year tithing trend of $50,000 - $60,000 each Sunday, it was obvious that enough greens would not be coming in.  Regardless, the Pastor made the executive decision to refrain from sharing this with his congregation, and instead, with the elders, simply continued to pray for God’s provision.  Worst case scenario, they would take out a loan on Monday morning.  It wasn’t too long into Monday morning that an elder approached the Pastor’s office with the news that the tithes from Sunday had been counted and there was $251,000.  No joking, joshing, or kidding.  $251,000.  More than what they needed. 

And I sat there.  And sat there.  And the only word that I could find in my mind was abundance.  

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.”  ~ Ephesians 3:20

And even despite hearing this story, (among countless other stories of God’s never failing provision), and knowing and seeing His Word, why is it that my knees buckle, frogs begin to bounce around in my stomach, and my feet begin to sink every single flippin’ time I am confronted with a new need that appears to have zero hope for being met?  Anytime, anywhere, it’s as though I am a robot just responding as if I were performing regular maintenance.  And it’s not even just when there’s a need, but it’s also each time I find myself longing or dreaming of something that I would like my life characterized by.  Defeat shows up before I even have the opportunity to lace my kicks.  And typically, defeat wins before the fight even starts.

I got to thinking even more about this topic as I watched and re – watched (and re – watched again) the new video and call to action by Invisible Children.  If you haven’t seen it, I demand that you stop all life traffic and blog reading immediately and give yourself a priceless 29 minute gift.  This team at Invisible Children has been persistently working for ten years to spotlight the injustices happening in Uganda by choosing to quiet their own voices in order to be the voice of all the men, women, and children being captured, raped, and killed by Joseph Kony.  Ten years.  I cannot even begin to imagine the waiting, the hoping, the feelings of defeat, and the endurance required during that stretch of time.  And it’s not even over yet.  But.  But.  That’s just it.  They have persevered.  They are persevering.  Too often we do nothing.  Too often we are paralyzed.  Too often we don’t even lace our kicks.  Too often we put God in the shoebox of our kicks as though He were a tiny and incapable piece of air, containing no oxygen, let along being something that we can even see, thus giving Him the smallest area in our closet to simply rest and be.  And do we do that because we don’t believe we can do certain things in our life, or because He can’t do certain things in our life? 

I have no idea if the team at Invisible Children are Christ follower’s or not, but it is evident that their lives are marked by boldness.  Everything other than defeat.  And for however many times they were told, or even believed that they were crazy, courage always took the trophy.  And I use the word “end” literally because I believe that they will succeed.  I believe that they will continue to challenge the status quo and contribute to the creation of a fearless generation.  When people think of Invisible Children, I believe that they will be remembered as an organization that set out to make what was seemingly impossible, possible.  And that should be a significant reminder to all of us challenged by the small and large, but unmet needs in our life.  A reminder to all of us defeated by defeat itself.  To push back.  Everything is beyond a God that sits in a shoebox, but nothing is beyond a God who reigns from the sky.

As I started my second read through of David Platt’s book, “Radical,” I came across a portion of the book titled, Exalting Our Inability.  It read, “God actually delights in exalting our inability.  He intentionally puts people in situations where they come face to face with their need for Him.  In the process he powerfully demonstrates his ability to provide everything his people need in ways they could never have mustered up or imagined.  And in the end, he makes much of his own name.” 

Tangibly speaking, I have had a need for a laptop (recycled and thirty years old would have been good enough, and not just so that I can continue blogging), but because there is a potential opportunity on the horizon in which I truly believe the Lord is asking me to step out in faith and do, that would be greatly hindered by being without one.  But let’s be honest, unemployment doesn’t offer much grace in terms of spending money. ;)  Nevertheless, I decided to put these words to action and instead of allowing the frogs to play in my tum tum, I told them to go to he…aven and that God would take care of them there.  It was but yesterday, having not even shared the (in my eyes), urgency of this need with my Dad, that he texted me, “I won enough points at work to redeem a new Mac.  Want one?”  Enough points?  Huh?  Your work just does contests for free laptops?  Redeem?  As in free?  What are you talking about?  Never could have, would have, or tried to see that one coming.  And so I invited him to coffee this morning to share with him the significance and powerful implications of his contest winning and my personal “$251,000” story.

I believe that there have been times in all of our lives where God has lived outside the box, times where He has shown Himself faithful over and over again.  But it begs the question, do we remember?  Have we dotted our landscape in such a way that when our knees start to buckle and frogs enter our tummies and our feet start to sink, we know of His provision, the impossibilities that were made possible, and the mountains that were indeed moved?  Do we remember? 

Whether it be deciding on a new career path, going back to school, tackling an injustice in the world, leaving an old life or an old habit behind for a new one, trusting Him for a spouse, a child, restoration in a relationship, a roommate, finances, or for the boldness to do something radical, to give more, serve more, love more, to know what to do, how to do it, or when to do it, all of it.  My hope is that God doesn’t get too small, nor that we find Him resting in our shoebox.  That the things we know of who He is and what He has already done, carry enough weight to make us more courageous, inviting us forward to see even bigger things than the provision of a laptop and $251,000.  So folks, let’s start dotting the landscape!

1 Corinthians 2:9, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.”

Grapes VS Marbles

I just returned from what has essentially turned into a monthly (and sometimes bi - monthly) trip to California, visiting my other family, and similar to my time at the Justice Conference the week prior, I left both with a full and yet heavy heart.  Dichotomy much?  Please do not be mistaken, I am not writing this post from a context of a thriving and perfectly joyful soul that just returned from 88 degree weather in sunny SoCal. I am choosing to write this in the midst of so much confusion, pain, and uncertainty. A girl humbled by a God who loves her enough to send her a reminder of the gifts He has already given me.

Let me back up before I set forth and say that there isn't ever a trip that isn't heavily focused on basking in the presence and being with some of my favorite people.  I will take a moment to brag and say that God has somehow seen my life fit enough to include some of the best humans on this spinning globe, through the presence of my family and friends.  Each of us are just your corky and abstract, typical two legged, two armed, and one heart beating being (mouthful), but when we are in community together, well, that's when things get good.  There's snorting and bur - cupping (a burp/hiccup combo).  Turtles turn to cows and nightfall's are never noticed because the sun is back up and risen by the time we're done talking.  It's loud.  Really loud.  When there's an abundance of ladies, the gentleman graciously accept their new names (the Brandon's becomes Barbara's, Brian's becomes Brianna's, Adam's become Adrianna's, Shane's become Shania's, etc.).  And when there's an abundance of gentleman, the ladies not so graciously accept any male names.  We wrestle, have eaten balut together, and snuck out of hospitals together.  We've fought.  Hard.  Harder.  We've cried.  Until dry.  Dryer.  We've cliff jumped and sunk below the waves all in one leap.  Drooling on each other during flights and sharing deodorant and toothbrushes are not uncommon.  We've climbed to the tops of building's together and we've fallen off the very same ladders that took us there.  We've camped together in both lush forests and barren deserts.  We've endured war together - moth wars and life wars.  We're the ones that drive down wide open roads with the heat of the sun touching our skin and just the same, we're the ones that are pulled over on the side of the road with only the heat of anger touching our skin. 

And as there seems to be an ever increasing amount of "life just sucks" moments, cancer striking families, relationships crumbling, jobs being lost, and life feeling random and wrong amidst my family and friends, I am even more so reminded of not only the need of, but the provision, calling, and commitment to and for community.  I believe community and relationship that looks radically different to the world and points up, will find itself threatened over and over and over and over and over again.  That's when it's time to up your game and stick Satan under your foot and crush the @#$% out of him.  If it didn't look radical and didn't speak of God's glory and redemption, then there would be no reason for Satan and his damn ploys to get involved.  (Sorry, my profanity only surfaces when speaking of him, okay, and if I drop a really hot pan on my barefoot, okay, and maybe a few other things that light my wick). ;)

In listening to a podcast from Reality LA church and describing authentic community, the Pastor compared a bag of marbles to a cluster of grapes.  The bag of marbles being a group of individuals coming together and the cluster of grapes still being a group of individuals, but organically linked.  He went on to share that the "full experience of life happens in community."  But in order to experience that life, there has to be a commitment toward one another, that is motivated by love, to teach, serve, rejoice, weep, pray, and share in the heavy lifting and burden bearing.  We must consider one another.  And to say that it will take work, well let's be honest, that is probably an understatement because it essentially means being intentional and deliberate with all of your activity.  More so than just considering one another, we must also irritate one another.  Okay, well, it does says "spur" one another on, but did you know that they actually mean in and of the same thing?  Yep, uh huh.  I think for most of us, this happens without even trying. ;)  But really, it's the idea of being so transparent with one another that we have given each other permission to call each other out, to receive their truthful correction.  This is attributed to the fact that "the sin and weaknesses that will likely destroy us, are the very ones we (ourselves), do not even see."  With the irritating, we are also granted the privilege of encouraging one another.  Carrying the baggage together.  Walking, or maybe even carrying one another through the dark, scorpion infested roads (I just learned what a scorpion was so I felt as though it's very appropriate in this context). 

All of these things, welp, they simply cannot happen at a distance.  We cannot be changed, nor can we grow without the necessity of community.  It's not about jumping ship or abandoning or neglecting, but always about ramping it up and being more radical in the ways which we love, consider, irritate, and encourage one another.  And for those of you that read a previous blog post of mine, know that anything more radical and more crazy is definitely on my radar right now. :)

As my Pastor reminded us this weekend, we need to be the one's who don't allow one another to forget the "God did's" and the "God will's." 

When marbles are crushed, they are a bunch of broken pieces of glass.  When grapes are crushed, oh boy, don't they have the capacity to make some liquid goodness?  Just another reason for us to be grapes over marbles. :)

So as some of us move and some of us travel, some of us take new jobs or get married, struggle with finances and fight against deep insecurities and generational bondage, or wrestle through the pain of lost and past relationships and unmet expectations, celebrate new beating hearts into the world or small, medium, and large victories, I hope that as John Wesley said, "the Bible knows nothing of solitary religion," that similarly, our lives no nothing of solitary relationship. 

As I come to the end of yet another lengthy blog post (oops), I hope that the thankfulness in my heart for my family and friends that are traversing this life (even if it's happening states away) with me, is more than evident.  The emails, the calls, the long walks and all nighters, it's just plain obvious that I am surrounded by an extraordinary community of people that I will forever wonder how God ever deemed me worthy of such a gift and responsibility.  My hope is that I can honor Him by building, fostering, and replicating community that exists solely for His glory, wherever it is that He leads me, and even (secretly and hopefully) in the context of a marriage and family one day.  (Okay, that's not really a secret to anyone who has chit chatted with me for more than five minutes). ;)

 

Because hearts love better broken.

I don't think I can even understand all the implications of what that means.  "Because hearts love better broken." 

But everything in my being believes that it is true.  It's evident just by the very nature of what our Father in Heaven gave us.

And if I am being completely vulnerable, the more my heart has broken or been broken or experienced brokenness or seen broken things, this propensity of passion to give more, do more, be more, serve more, and yes, L O V E more,  practically envelopes me.

But all envelopes, even if they are stuffed full of the best of treasures and goodies, haven't served their full purpose until sent, and received by the intended recipient.

(Artwork by the creative gifting of Ms. Alex Tosti).

Justifiably Crazy.

"Do you really think you can make a difference?  I mean, each time you rescue one girl from being sexually exploited, doesn't the exploiter just go take another young girl?"

"I'm not qualified to answer that question."

"What do you mean you're not qualified to answer that question?!  You spend your life rescuing young girls from sex trafficking?"

"You will have to ask one of the girls who was saved if it made a difference."

I apologize in advance that I cannot build a Table of Contents into this blog post as I am quite aware of the hardwork in scrolling that you are going to have to do.  I assure you that it's worth it, and well, if it's not, feel free to stop reading (but just pretend you did by graciously giving me a smile and a wink the next time you see me). ;)  I've also made sure to BOLD the names of the speakers in case you want to browse the blog post that way.

"We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself." ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Beyond privileged and yet feeling rather under qualified, I had the opportunity to attend The Justice Conference in Portland last weekend.  Now, I have been to many conferences and do believe that God has created (and revealed) within me a deep (and sometimes overwhelming and even paralyzing) desire to, yes, I'm going to say it, "change the world," or better said as , "contribute to changing the world."  But I was not prepared for the life flip that this weekend had in store for me.  (It really didn't/doesn't seem possible for my life to be flipped anymore then it currently is for those of you that know what's going on but God always seems to have a surprise party up His sleeve).  And as I've always said, "Life is weird," which by the way, even Francis Chan felt compelled to borrow my quote and share it from the stage during the closing session - I mean, it's just so profound and unique in it's sentence structure and depth, how could he have not? ;)

No amount of time spent reflecting, re - reading pages of notes, or re - listening to podcasts would be able to do the conference justice (no pun intended).  So I will refrain from even trying to paint an accurate picture of the conference itself and simply share some of the wisdom that is seemingly starting a new revolution in my heart.

The conference kicked off with Ken Wytsma - the founder of the Justice Conference.  Ken spoke to the wholeness of the term "Justice" and that it was universal by encompassing things like social justice, love, ethics, law, etc.  It wasn't pigeon holed as one particular, but as what he described as a "cluster complex."  He posed this challenge: Spend less time cautiously avoiding sin and more time courageously and actively doing God's will.  He re - stated the great Augustine, "Charity is no substitute for justice withheld."  Justice surfaces the need for and is made complete by grace.  Prior to walking off the stage, he left us to answer two questions as we journeyed through the weekend:

What breaks your heart?     ||     What makes you angry?

Miroslav Volf, the Director of Yale's Center for Faith and Cultuer took the stage and spoke to the Scripture in 1 Peter where it says "Honor everyone."  He explained that in light of all the injustice in the world, it was important for us to ask ourselves if we give honor (or tolerate, which is different than honor) to others by mimicking the honor (tolerating) that they give us, or if we honor them without conditions.  Do we seperate the doer from the deed?  What does this mean when the doer did the deed of murdering your cousin, raping your daughter, or exploiting your sister?

"Are you emotionally inept to see that the world around you is out of bread?"  I don't think I was able to ever answer that question, but surely Walter Brueggemann, one of the world's most important Old Testament scholars knew exactly what he was asking and the train of thought that he wanted to challenge all of us with.  He went on to explain that Jesus was a huge threat to the status quo because of His transformational power that led followers to act out justice.  (Insert pause: Is Jesus still a threat to the status quo and do we allow or even make room for His transformational power to move us to act out justice?)  Part of His transformational power resulted in an emotional upheavel.  This emotional upheavel is also defined through the word compassion.  As God held not even an ounce of anything back from us, He commissioned us with the call to also empty ourselves for the world.  "The righteous person puts their body where need is, where there's no energy or room for people to be respectable."  He proclaimed that we are far overdue and it has been "time to cast our lots with these people for the sake of changing the neighborhood" (a term used to describe the particular area God has currently called us to). 

"Everytime you give yourself away, you get yourself back, enhanced." ~ Walter Brueggemann

Speaking of neighborhoods, it was only fitting that the Pastor of Imago Dei, a church in the local Portland neighborhood, Rick McKinley, take the floor.  "How do we resurrect the dream of the neighborhood?  Especially when the vision of me, of self interest, blinds us from our neighbors?  And even more so when the self interest attitude in me is the same claim that a pimp makes over a woman or a trafficker makes over a child?  Are we letting the neighborhoods go to hell without even the most remote awareness of it?"  Pastor McKinley explained that when we can be released from hyper - individualism, we are then free to be a part of God's revolution. 

"We need a radical infusion of the grace of God to get our eyes off ourselves and on to somebody else.  Because in an environment of grace, nothing is earned.  All is given." ~ Rick McKinley

Am I a courageous neighbor, willing to re - stucture my life on others' behalf?  Am I infused with compassion and do I genuinely care about the outcome of the story?  Am I willing to overcome apathy and create a mico - revolution as an ordinary, under - qualified, and unlikely person?
 
Am I willing to follow the dust of the rabbi?

If you are still with me, I hope you are thinking what I was thinking.  It was only 1:00 P.M. on Saturday afternoon and I was full.  Over full.  Not only did I believe I received my money's worth, but I couldn't imagine how anything else was going to fit inside of me.  Questions and thoughts and reflections and prayers were being stored and not limited to my ankles, extending all the way up to and through my arm hairs and the pores on my faces. 

But when I learned that John Perkins was taking the stage next, I found some extra room in my neck and welcomed his wisdom.  "The Gospel itself is the definition of justice.  You leave out justice and you leave out the Gospel."  Dr. Perkins challenged us to identify the pain in our lives.  "The greatest initiatives and movements come out of the pain of the people, the ones with the problems.  And this is what begins to change the one neighborhood at a time and eventually the world."  Do I have a sense of urgency or does urgency come only when it affects me?  "Great leaders are moved by the concerns of others, the things that far outweigh their own."

Rachel Lloyd was the next speaker to approach the podium.  Founder of GEMS (Girls Educational and Mentoring Services), the nation's largest organization offering direct services to domestic victims of commercial sexual exploitation and trafficking, I was not prepared for Rachel's testimony.  A cheerful and confident woman, you would have never known that such a deep scope of pain, exploitation, danger, and abuse filled the first half of her life.  Making the decision to leave her hometown of England at age 15 in search of something different in Germany, it wasn't too long after arriving that she realized the magnitude of the decision she had made.  With a one way ticket, no money, no friends, and no family, she continued, "I didn't have a father that I could call and say, 'Daddy, fly me home.  I messed up.'"  Before she could even finish this sentence, I not only found myself with frogs in my stomach, but there was zero chance that any amount of tissue rolls was going to stop the flood emerging from my eye sockets.  And in that moment, I (believing I have for the most part - minus a few teen years - been aware of how blessed I am with such an incredible father), found myself soaking in that blessing times ten million.  Having a father that she could have called, could have made the difference.  Changed the outcome of what the next years were going to bring.  Saved her from rape(s).  From beatings.  From being chased around and strangled almost to death on more occasions then worth counting.  It was in this moment that though I've always known that my heart beats a little extra for young girls, the discipling and mentoring thereof, I knew God was taking me to a deeper place, a deeper breaking.  And here, we had a live visual of using one's pain to make it one's greatest ministry.  It clicked: I want to connect my deepest passions, my deepest pains, with the deepest pains of the world.

As Stephen Bauman, the President and CEO of World Relief continued, "The solution to suffering is right there.  The resources are next to the pain."  He challenged us to be a "community of faith wrapping ourselves around a community of pain."  He gave the example of the women in the Congo.  97% of the people in the Congo consider themselves a Christian, and yet 9 out of 10 women are brutally raped.  How does that even make sense?!  He shared that because women are among the most oppressed people group in the world, that also makes them (us) the most un - tapped resource in the world.  I believe he presented that not only as a fact, but as an urgent and desperate plea to every woman sitting in and outside of that room.

And if at this point, you don't feel challeneged enough, Francis Chan stood up to take the stage for the closing event.  "So let me ask you all, shouldn't we be doing crazier things with each passing year or is it only an emergency when it's your daughter being trafficked?  Why do we make safer decisions the older we get - or really at any point in life that isn't considered our 'twenties?'  Because you get married?  Because you start having kids?  Because you're saving for retirement?  This life as a Christian isn't about playing it safe."  Chan went on to tell the story of a 60 year old couple, a hair stylist and a mechanic, who recently adopted 11 children.  They even sought more but the state said, "We were only supposed to give you six and we already threw in a few extra!"  A perfect example of a crazier decision made.  Why?  Because if we are walking with the Lord, we will experience more and more of His faithfulness, making those 'crazy' decisions less and less crazy.  And even if they are crazy, it should essentially mean that the success of your day depends on the work, answer, and response of the Holy Spirit.  Being that the majority of us (myself included), can manuever our days successfully without relying on the Holy Spirit for the deliverables, it begs the question, am I living boldly and courageously, and making crazy decisions, at all?

Chan paused and within a few seconds, began reading.

"He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow..." Duet. 10:18
"If there is any poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted and tightfisted toward your poor brother..." Duet. 15:7-8
"He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth; He saves them from the clutches of the powerful.  So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts its mouth..." Job 5:15-16

And it continues, but this list doesn't even come close to the end of all the Scripture that points to the causes of justice.

Proverbs 21:13
Proverbs 14:21
Proverbs 31:8-9
1 John 3:17-18
James 1:27
Psalm 82:3-4
Psalm 140:12
Is. 58:10
Is. 41:17
Is. 1:17
Is. 58:6-7
Job 29:12
Job 30:25
Luke 12:33
Jeremiah 22:16

If you are anything like me, I almost wanted to shout, "Stop.  Okay.  I get it.  What do you want me to do?!"

"It's time for everyone to start living according to Scripture.  Read it simply and take it literally.  Don't back down or shy away from the boldest, most courageous, and crazy things that God is calling you to do.  Even when people tell you it's crazy."

There doesn't seem to be a fitting end to this blog post because there's isn't really an end to the conversation or realities of justice and injustice in general, but I do thank you for your grace in length and simply allowing me to use this post as an opportunity to flush out the many things that are still circulating my h & h (head and heart).  I want nothing more and nothing less than for this to be anything but a conference high.  I want this to change my life and cause me to live differently - whether by means of adopting 11 children at the age of 60, serving teen mom's in the city, working with young girls in the sex trafficking industry, or moving to the Congo.  Who knows (well God does so that's silly of me to ask), but I hope and pray that my heart is postured in such a way that I recognize the crazy, respond and obey the crazy, and that the crazy rules my life, and only gets crazier.

Oh the days when jumping on your bed and TPing your neighbor's house was craaaaazy. ;)

I won't give up on us.

"I won’t give up on us (or you).

Even if the skies get rough (the times when the windshield wipers don't even offer assistance).

Cause even the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth (and crash, over and over and over again). We’ve got a lot to learn (an understatement).

And God knows we’re worth it (and so do I)."

What it is.

Following Jesus |
Less about cautiously avoiding sin and more about courageously and actively doing God's will.

Justice |
Surfaces the need for and is made complete by grace.


The Voice of Justice from The Justice Conference on Vimeo.

For Crying Out Loud

1 Samuel 22

The Cave of Adullam, meaning a “sealed off place” rested in the crevice of a mountain and was the place where David fled to, looking for a sense of refuge.

It was but two days ago that I found myself doing the same thing. Except, instead of being 20 miles southwest of Jerusalem, I was 20 miles south of Santa Monica, on the cliffs of the rock formations that rest on the coast of the Palos Verdes Peninsula. A full moon and sprinkling of stars dotted the majestic sky as the white crested waves crashed below the rocks.

It was in the Cave of Adullam that David wrote Psalm 142. A prayer that came from an overwhelmed, conflicted, and desperate heart. Much of what mine is feeling today. And yet, though I wish I would have understood what this cave represented to David and the prayer that resulted from being in there while I was in my own Cave of Adullam, I find it no coincidence that I opened my Bible Study to this today. (God must know that it takes me a wee bit to process things and thought it best to spoon feed me).

“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him, before him I tell him my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. ” (Psalm 142:1-3).

I don’t know what I love more - a) that David and I would have probably been decent pals being that we both seek out creation (aka, caves) to find refuge, or that b) he didn’t “speak” aloud to the Lord, he cried. He didn’t “shy” his voice to the Lord, but lifted it up. I imagine that means it got louder and louder and louder. He didn’t “drizzle” out his complaints, he poured them out as if dumping a pitcher of your grandma’s homemade southern tea. His spirit wasn’t just pained or comparable to a softly aching muscle, he was faint. Faint. About to pass out, fall over, done. Or lastly do I love more that c) despite the crying, yelling, voice lifting, pouring, and fainting, David still managed to say, “it is you who knows my way,” as if to affirm that despite the ish of what was happening in his life, David was still going to trust the Lord.

He continues in verse 5 to say, “I cry to you Lord, you are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need.”

And it was in reflecting on this passage that I spotted a sobering truth - I often believe God can save me from my sins, but not often enough believe that he can save me from my situation.
And all of this coming from a man who had killed a lion, a bear, and Goliath? He was overwhelmed? He was desperate, pained, and faint? And ultimately, it is this guy that is going to rise to the throne as the forerunner of Jesus, with a kingdom that would be known throughout the world, favored and anointed by the living God? What the huckleberry. And well, if God was going to have to bring David down to a lowly position before He could raise him up to stand on solid ground, then I suppose I’m not remotely excused from this either, am I?

(Insert sigh).

Is it awful that sometimes, even knowing how the story of David unfolds and seeing promises fulfilled,it somehow doesn’t negate the pain that accompanies the preparation, the hacking down that brings that tree to the ground, or in this case, me to my knees, to be small so that God can be big, to be low to be raised?

So, even though I feel caught in those white crested waves below the rocks, wrapped up in the undertow that feels stronger than even the God I’m choosing to trust in at times, I was physically positioned on the rocks above those waves just days ago. And this I will try and remember even if for now, it’s only my physical body that was seated on those rocks as I watched my heart trapped in the waves.